Today, I hit my 5% goal. It took me what felt like forever, but I got there.
I have continued to make good exercising progress. I can jog for 20 minutes strait (extremely, extremely slowly). The Jillian Michael's workouts are getting both easier (meaning I can do nearly all of the exercises) and harder (meaning the workouts are getting progressively more difficult and my legs have been sore for a week strait).
I eat my fruits and veggies everyday. I drink at least 8 cups of water, usually 12. I have successfully done a low-carb week, and it went so well, I plan on doing another. I have had no milk supply issues (yay!).
So, because I haven't had any supply issues and it's been going so well, I'm thinking about cutting my points again to say that I'm nursing "part-time." With weight watchers, if you are exclusively nursing, you get an extra 14 points (!!!!) a day. That's what I've been using. When you are supplement with formula or solids, you get an extra 7 points a day. Since we're moving into adding solids anyway, I'm going to see what happens this week if I cut back by 7 points a day.
My next weight goal is to hit 10%. I hope it'll happen before I head to Alaska in May!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Perfect Bingeing Storm
So. Jordan's "out of town." But not really. Every year he has this health care forum he goes to with the entire health care department of his company. People from around the world come to these forums. As it happens, I've been out of town every year since he go this job. This year, I'm here. And he's actually "gone," but really he's about 10 minutes away staying at a resort. Say what? I know.
So even though he lives here in Phoenix, he has this hotel room and he has to stay at the resort (again, in Phoenix) during the forum. I find it extremely annoying. I mean, it's right there, why can't he just stay at home and go to the forum in the morning like a regular job? But he can't (don't ask me why, no one's bothered to fill me in on that part). So I'm at the house by myself for the next two days, while my husband is practically down the road. (Good news: I do have the car, so it's not like I'm stranded here).
When I was dropping him off tonight, I was feeling a flurry of painful emotions. I (like most married people, I assume) do not like being away from my spouse. It honestly, truly feels like I'm missing an appendage. I didn't realize how much I relied on the fact that he does indeed come home at night. Even if he has to come home at 1am, and then leave again at 7am, at least he's home at some point. Well, he's not coming home tonight, or for the following two nights. And here I am, dropping him off in the car, honestly about in tears because I already miss him. And I feel like a complete idiot because #1- he's not even gone that long and #2- he's not really gone, he's down the street.
This isn't the first time he's had to spend a night away (and I've often left him for weeks at a time), and I'm wondering why this feels so painful even though he's not really gone. And the answer is that usually I make a night of it when he leaves. I order some nice take-out, and I get some delicious food, and I totally enjoy a binge night. Oh yeah, baby. But guess what? This time I can't binge. And although I didn't consciously recognize it as I was dropping him off, I realized that when I got home that there's nothing there for me. What would be there for me? Food. My wonderful friend food who always gives me a tasty treat when I'm feeling lonely, sad and insecure.
By not having the food there, it's forcing me to face all these painful emotions without an antidote. I'll be honest, my initial reaction of not having food is to be resentful of Jordan *which is not helpful.* This isn't Jordan's fault, because I know if he had a choice he'd choose to stay here with me. My next reaction is to snap at my kids, which is also *not helpful.* So how do I channel these crappy (and, let's be honest, totally pathetic) feelings? No idea. Probably some sad music and a good cry session. And an early bedtime.
And tonight, I'm certain I'll be dreaming of a gallon of delicious, delicious ice cream.
*Note: if you found this whole blog about me bawling my eyes out over my husband who isn't gone that long and who isn't really even gone totally pathetic, you would be correct. Rolling your eyes and/or laughing are appropriate reactions. Don't worry, I am duly embarrassed.
So even though he lives here in Phoenix, he has this hotel room and he has to stay at the resort (again, in Phoenix) during the forum. I find it extremely annoying. I mean, it's right there, why can't he just stay at home and go to the forum in the morning like a regular job? But he can't (don't ask me why, no one's bothered to fill me in on that part). So I'm at the house by myself for the next two days, while my husband is practically down the road. (Good news: I do have the car, so it's not like I'm stranded here).
When I was dropping him off tonight, I was feeling a flurry of painful emotions. I (like most married people, I assume) do not like being away from my spouse. It honestly, truly feels like I'm missing an appendage. I didn't realize how much I relied on the fact that he does indeed come home at night. Even if he has to come home at 1am, and then leave again at 7am, at least he's home at some point. Well, he's not coming home tonight, or for the following two nights. And here I am, dropping him off in the car, honestly about in tears because I already miss him. And I feel like a complete idiot because #1- he's not even gone that long and #2- he's not really gone, he's down the street.
This isn't the first time he's had to spend a night away (and I've often left him for weeks at a time), and I'm wondering why this feels so painful even though he's not really gone. And the answer is that usually I make a night of it when he leaves. I order some nice take-out, and I get some delicious food, and I totally enjoy a binge night. Oh yeah, baby. But guess what? This time I can't binge. And although I didn't consciously recognize it as I was dropping him off, I realized that when I got home that there's nothing there for me. What would be there for me? Food. My wonderful friend food who always gives me a tasty treat when I'm feeling lonely, sad and insecure.
By not having the food there, it's forcing me to face all these painful emotions without an antidote. I'll be honest, my initial reaction of not having food is to be resentful of Jordan *which is not helpful.* This isn't Jordan's fault, because I know if he had a choice he'd choose to stay here with me. My next reaction is to snap at my kids, which is also *not helpful.* So how do I channel these crappy (and, let's be honest, totally pathetic) feelings? No idea. Probably some sad music and a good cry session. And an early bedtime.
And tonight, I'm certain I'll be dreaming of a gallon of delicious, delicious ice cream.
*Note: if you found this whole blog about me bawling my eyes out over my husband who isn't gone that long and who isn't really even gone totally pathetic, you would be correct. Rolling your eyes and/or laughing are appropriate reactions. Don't worry, I am duly embarrassed.
Monday, March 11, 2013
The End Game
One of the most disheartening things about weight loss is thinking about what actually happens when you lose the weight. One of the sayings I absolutely HATE is hearing "Maintenance is even harder than weight loss." Really? Harder than all this work? Then what's the point? Got any other "inspirational" information for me?
Anyway...
I often think about what I want my relationship food to look like when I get to my goal. I want is to be able to eat a cookie. Just one. And be happy. And not crave a second. I want to make my family delicious food that we all enjoy, and eat in moderation.
More than anything, I want to be in tune with my body enough that I intuitively know when I am truly satisfied. I don't want to be obsessed with food the rest of my life. That's my current problem, a preoccupation with food. I want to put food in it's proper place, there to give me nutrition and bring me pleasure, not as an aspect of either emotional fulfillment or a point of control.
I guess that's why I get so upset when I hear that maintenance is more difficult than losing weight, because it suggests never solving the underlying problem. I worry my goal is unattainable and unrealistic. I suppose I won't know until I get there. (so I end on a happy note, I'd like to point out I used the word "until" instead of "if." Go me and my self-assured success!)
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Making goals
I have started to make a different goal each week, trying to figure out what weight loss techniques work best for me. In the past two months I have tried:
-Eating all my fruits and veggies every day (this was resounding success, and I have been able to keep up with this since)
-No eating after 7pm (a great goal, but one that is extremely difficult to pull off when making dinner for my family. I need a different approach...)
-Do a Jillian Michaels DVD for 6 days in a week (way. way. way too painful)
-Focus more on cardio for a week (I thought this might help me lose a bit faster. It didn't really work)
There have been more, but those were the major ones. The one other big thing I tried was to go low-carb for a week (in addition to staying within my weight watchers points), and it went really well! I allowed myself unlimited fruits and veggies, I just didn't eat any sugar or starches for a week. I lost the most weight I have ever lost in a week. The only problem? My milk supply took a complete nose dive. It got crazy. Lucy was up eating ever 2 hours through the night, and suddenly I was trying to recover it (read: pumping like crazy after every nursing session. No bueno) when I had never had a problem before. So I figured as great as my body responds to low-carb, that wasn't something that I could attempt until I weaned.
Until I realized there were some other factors at play (possible TMI: my period came back, and I while not common, it's possible for your milk supply to drop in the time right before your cycle begins). So, I've waited a couple of weeks, and I've decided to reattempt low-carb and see how it goes. Here's how I do "low-carb":
1. Unlimited fruits and veggies. Sorry, I just can't cut out fruit. Also, this helps make sure I am indeed getting enough calories and carbohydrates to maintain my milk supply.
2. Regularly have oatmeal in the morning. Again, another step to protect my milk supply. I don't have to have to eat it every morning, but at least 3 times a week.
3. Other than that, I don't count my carbohydrates meticulously but rather I avoid starchy foods. No bread, no potatoes, and definitely no sugary foods. No snacking on sweets in the evening, even if I have the points for them.
I'm heading into this optimistically I'd love to walk away from these two weeks with fewer sugar cravings and a better evening snacking habit. I start tomorrow, and I"ll let you know how it goes!
-Eating all my fruits and veggies every day (this was resounding success, and I have been able to keep up with this since)
-No eating after 7pm (a great goal, but one that is extremely difficult to pull off when making dinner for my family. I need a different approach...)
-Do a Jillian Michaels DVD for 6 days in a week (way. way. way too painful)
-Focus more on cardio for a week (I thought this might help me lose a bit faster. It didn't really work)
There have been more, but those were the major ones. The one other big thing I tried was to go low-carb for a week (in addition to staying within my weight watchers points), and it went really well! I allowed myself unlimited fruits and veggies, I just didn't eat any sugar or starches for a week. I lost the most weight I have ever lost in a week. The only problem? My milk supply took a complete nose dive. It got crazy. Lucy was up eating ever 2 hours through the night, and suddenly I was trying to recover it (read: pumping like crazy after every nursing session. No bueno) when I had never had a problem before. So I figured as great as my body responds to low-carb, that wasn't something that I could attempt until I weaned.
Until I realized there were some other factors at play (possible TMI: my period came back, and I while not common, it's possible for your milk supply to drop in the time right before your cycle begins). So, I've waited a couple of weeks, and I've decided to reattempt low-carb and see how it goes. Here's how I do "low-carb":
1. Unlimited fruits and veggies. Sorry, I just can't cut out fruit. Also, this helps make sure I am indeed getting enough calories and carbohydrates to maintain my milk supply.
2. Regularly have oatmeal in the morning. Again, another step to protect my milk supply. I don't have to have to eat it every morning, but at least 3 times a week.
3. Other than that, I don't count my carbohydrates meticulously but rather I avoid starchy foods. No bread, no potatoes, and definitely no sugary foods. No snacking on sweets in the evening, even if I have the points for them.
I'm heading into this optimistically I'd love to walk away from these two weeks with fewer sugar cravings and a better evening snacking habit. I start tomorrow, and I"ll let you know how it goes!
Friday, March 8, 2013
Loneliness
At some point I'm going to write down my history with gaining weight, but the last few years in can be summed up in one word: loneliness.
When Jordan got a job in Phoenix, we were so excited and so grateful. We had been looking for a job for months, and he got a really, really fantastic one. To this day, we often look at each other and talk about how very lucky we are that he got this job. At the time, I hadn't really considered the implications for myself. I had been thinking about how Jordan's life was going to change, how he was going to have to go to work and work hard, but I hadn't even spared a thought of what that meant for me (ok, except the money part. I won't lie, I was pretty stoked to get an iPhone). And then, suddenly, I was at home, by myself, without any friends, just me and my cute baby Clara.
I had no resources to make friends. At least not resources I was used to. I wasn't attending school. I wasn't going to work (the two most important places I had always made friends before). Church was just 3 hours a week, it wasn't enough time to build any sort of meaningful relationships with people (it doesn't help that Jordan doesn't like to linger and talk after church. He practically chases me out of the building). I didn't know anyone in this city. Jordan was suddenly working long hours, so I'd often be by myself for 10 hours a day. We had one car, and I didn't always have access to it (still just have one car, btw), so I was often literally stuck in my apartment. I was painfully lonely. Clara was great and wonderful, and I was (and still am) grateful that I could be with her all the time. But suddenly I was isolated, lonely and bored. So I ate.
It was during this time that I hit the highest weight I have ever been at. It did nothing to help me make friends. Now I was isolated, lonely, bored and ashamed. Honestly, this is the closest I'd ever felt to being depressed in my life. I soothed myself by eating. Frankly, it was the only "treat" I had to give myself. Long day with a crying baby? Have a cookie! Or 5. Day been so mind-numbingly boring that I'm just looking to feel something? How about I make a new recipe and eat the whole thing! At one point I was describing to a friend of mine how much I relied on food for my entertainment. I said, "There's almost nothing more exciting to me than a cupcake. The only other thing I can think of off hand is a roller coaster." Really, for me, food was like an amusement park ride compared to the monotony of my day.
I hadn't realized how directly linked my weight gain was to my loneliness until I went to Alaska for a month. I had friends and family to talk to all the time! I could get out and spend time with people, and it wasn't so painfully hot. And I lost 10 pounds effortlessly. The only change in my behavior was having people to talk to during the day.
There's a lot of stuff that has happened between then and now, including losing 25 pounds before I got pregnant with Lucy, moving to a house, pregnancy, giving birth, breastfeeding and making more friends. My struggles now are similar, but for different reasons, but now I know my big, monstrous trigger, and I"m working on ways to deal with it. I have friends I can call and talk to on the phone. I try to take the car at least once a week to get out of the house. The horrible binging habits I developed while dealing with my loneliness are still there. In the evenings, I STILL want to sit and eat 15 cookies, but by carefully writing down my food intake, I've been in way more control of the amount of food I eat. I can tell myself no, or if I do binge, I have to write it all down and face the numbers on my food tracker. This is definitely still a work in progress, but I'm happy with my progress in learning to deal with my loneliness.
When Jordan got a job in Phoenix, we were so excited and so grateful. We had been looking for a job for months, and he got a really, really fantastic one. To this day, we often look at each other and talk about how very lucky we are that he got this job. At the time, I hadn't really considered the implications for myself. I had been thinking about how Jordan's life was going to change, how he was going to have to go to work and work hard, but I hadn't even spared a thought of what that meant for me (ok, except the money part. I won't lie, I was pretty stoked to get an iPhone). And then, suddenly, I was at home, by myself, without any friends, just me and my cute baby Clara.
 |
| Here, have a picture to break up the words in this long post. :) |
I had no resources to make friends. At least not resources I was used to. I wasn't attending school. I wasn't going to work (the two most important places I had always made friends before). Church was just 3 hours a week, it wasn't enough time to build any sort of meaningful relationships with people (it doesn't help that Jordan doesn't like to linger and talk after church. He practically chases me out of the building). I didn't know anyone in this city. Jordan was suddenly working long hours, so I'd often be by myself for 10 hours a day. We had one car, and I didn't always have access to it (still just have one car, btw), so I was often literally stuck in my apartment. I was painfully lonely. Clara was great and wonderful, and I was (and still am) grateful that I could be with her all the time. But suddenly I was isolated, lonely and bored. So I ate.
It was during this time that I hit the highest weight I have ever been at. It did nothing to help me make friends. Now I was isolated, lonely, bored and ashamed. Honestly, this is the closest I'd ever felt to being depressed in my life. I soothed myself by eating. Frankly, it was the only "treat" I had to give myself. Long day with a crying baby? Have a cookie! Or 5. Day been so mind-numbingly boring that I'm just looking to feel something? How about I make a new recipe and eat the whole thing! At one point I was describing to a friend of mine how much I relied on food for my entertainment. I said, "There's almost nothing more exciting to me than a cupcake. The only other thing I can think of off hand is a roller coaster." Really, for me, food was like an amusement park ride compared to the monotony of my day.
I hadn't realized how directly linked my weight gain was to my loneliness until I went to Alaska for a month. I had friends and family to talk to all the time! I could get out and spend time with people, and it wasn't so painfully hot. And I lost 10 pounds effortlessly. The only change in my behavior was having people to talk to during the day.
There's a lot of stuff that has happened between then and now, including losing 25 pounds before I got pregnant with Lucy, moving to a house, pregnancy, giving birth, breastfeeding and making more friends. My struggles now are similar, but for different reasons, but now I know my big, monstrous trigger, and I"m working on ways to deal with it. I have friends I can call and talk to on the phone. I try to take the car at least once a week to get out of the house. The horrible binging habits I developed while dealing with my loneliness are still there. In the evenings, I STILL want to sit and eat 15 cookies, but by carefully writing down my food intake, I've been in way more control of the amount of food I eat. I can tell myself no, or if I do binge, I have to write it all down and face the numbers on my food tracker. This is definitely still a work in progress, but I'm happy with my progress in learning to deal with my loneliness.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
the most unhelpful of emotions
I have had this blog for over a year now. I have written in it very occasionally I purposely didn't tell anyone about it. A few of my friends have discovered it by chance. I know my sister Melanie "follows" me, and there are possibly others who follow me (in secret) as well. Why haven't I shared with any one else? One word:
Shame.
I am so very, very ashamed that I have weight to lose. I'm so ashamed, in fact, that I even don't want to publicly celebrate my success, because that would mean I have to admit how much weight I need to lose in the first place. I have been so ashamed, that I often pretend that I'm ok with the way I look, that perhaps I weigh this much because I want to. Crazy, right?
Shame is not a helpful emotion for the emotional eater. Why? Because shame makes me want to binge. To hide that feeling under 15 brownies (side note: Mmmmm... 15 brownies...). It makes me want to crawl into my bed and hide from the world, to avoid all those issues I need to face.
I am also afraid. What if I fail? What if I share this blog, and people read, but then they go, "What a hopeless case, she just goes back and forth and back and forth?" I was seriously afraid of failing, like every other time I have tried to lose weight. But now that I have proven to myself this is something I want to stick to (even if weight loss is so very, painfully slow), I feel like I can face sharing my experience with others.
So today, I'm facing the shame and the fear. I'm sharing this with those that I know want me to be successful, who won't think less of me just because I have a certain amount of weight to lose.
Shame.
I am so very, very ashamed that I have weight to lose. I'm so ashamed, in fact, that I even don't want to publicly celebrate my success, because that would mean I have to admit how much weight I need to lose in the first place. I have been so ashamed, that I often pretend that I'm ok with the way I look, that perhaps I weigh this much because I want to. Crazy, right?
Shame is not a helpful emotion for the emotional eater. Why? Because shame makes me want to binge. To hide that feeling under 15 brownies (side note: Mmmmm... 15 brownies...). It makes me want to crawl into my bed and hide from the world, to avoid all those issues I need to face.
I am also afraid. What if I fail? What if I share this blog, and people read, but then they go, "What a hopeless case, she just goes back and forth and back and forth?" I was seriously afraid of failing, like every other time I have tried to lose weight. But now that I have proven to myself this is something I want to stick to (even if weight loss is so very, painfully slow), I feel like I can face sharing my experience with others.
So today, I'm facing the shame and the fear. I'm sharing this with those that I know want me to be successful, who won't think less of me just because I have a certain amount of weight to lose.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
I was gone for a bit...
.. but it's not because I fell off the wagon! Woot! I stopped writing honestly because life got so busy! Two kids with two schedules, working in exercise in there and trying to keep the house in some sort of decent shape, and daily writing on the weightloss blog was the first to fall through.
But I have great news! It took me 2 months and a LOT of work, but I have lost 10 pounds! Woot! It's much slower than I hoped, and that's been really demoralizing sometimes. There was one day when I realized hadn't lost a single pound even though I thought I did everything perfect. Jordan was there to console me as I cried and cried, but I haven't given up.
I have written down EVERYTHING I have eaten for the last two months. This has proved to be the most important thing I could have done. It's given me control of what I'm eating, even when I DO overeat or make mistakes. If I write it down, I am in control of it. And because I have written stuff down and I'm in that habit, I can't lie to myself. It's helped me to set weekly goals for myself. Really, I'm in control where before I was out of control.
I have worked out at least 5 days a week for the last two months. I finished the 30 Day Shred, and now I'm working through Ripped in 30. This has helped me feel SO GOOD! I also have worked through Couch to 5k, and yesterday I ran for 20 minutes strait without stopping. Now, it was slow (REAL slow), but I did it.
Losing weight slowly is still really frustrating, but the truth is that it's so so good for me. I have to develop the habits, the life changes that will last. I hope it will eventually speed up, but even if it doesn't, I guess that's ok.
But I have great news! It took me 2 months and a LOT of work, but I have lost 10 pounds! Woot! It's much slower than I hoped, and that's been really demoralizing sometimes. There was one day when I realized hadn't lost a single pound even though I thought I did everything perfect. Jordan was there to console me as I cried and cried, but I haven't given up.
I have written down EVERYTHING I have eaten for the last two months. This has proved to be the most important thing I could have done. It's given me control of what I'm eating, even when I DO overeat or make mistakes. If I write it down, I am in control of it. And because I have written stuff down and I'm in that habit, I can't lie to myself. It's helped me to set weekly goals for myself. Really, I'm in control where before I was out of control.
I have worked out at least 5 days a week for the last two months. I finished the 30 Day Shred, and now I'm working through Ripped in 30. This has helped me feel SO GOOD! I also have worked through Couch to 5k, and yesterday I ran for 20 minutes strait without stopping. Now, it was slow (REAL slow), but I did it.
Losing weight slowly is still really frustrating, but the truth is that it's so so good for me. I have to develop the habits, the life changes that will last. I hope it will eventually speed up, but even if it doesn't, I guess that's ok.
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