You guys, I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good because I can see behavior's in my life that previously derailed me that I am overcoming. I'm feeling good because I have good friends who are helping me through this and being very supportive. I'm feeling good because I feel like I can finally see my life piece together here in Phoenix. It's not perfect, not yet, but I can see friendships developing and that in the long run, I can make Phoenix my home.
I wrote earlier that last week was really difficult and that I had fallen into some bad habits. But I decided to take recovery seriously, and really focus on writing everything I ate down this week. I even did it with a friend, where I put some money in an envelope and if I slipped up, I'd have to give her that money. When I felt like I was struggling, I'd send her a text and she'd talk to me. And you guys, it worked! I have been on top of things! And that four pounds that I "put on" last week? Yeah, gone. Woot!
I feel like this is one of those defining moments, that when I look back and see that I even though I messed up, I was able to get back up, I'll realize this was what made all the difference. It's not about being perfect, it's about being committed.
Or maybe I just feel great because my house is clean. That also might be it. ;^)
Friday, April 26, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Getting back on course
What a week. What a weekend. It wasn't pretty.
It started with Jordan working 16+ hours for three days in a row. Brutal. For everyone. It's not like Jordan wants to be there working that many hours; he was seriously sleep deprived. I was trying to hold the fort down, and I actually did alright in terms of not killing my children and not letting the house become a disaster zone. But what fell through the cracks? Oh yeah, my eating. A mix of I-deserve-this-because-my-two-year-old-just-smeared-peanut-butter-all-over-the-walls-plus-I-haven't-had-adult-conversation-in-days and all-by-myself-for-another-evening-I-should-make-those-sugar-cookie-bars-I-saw-on-pinterest-for-fun-and-yeah-I-can-eat-just-one-whoops-that's-a-lie. I managed to write everything day and stay within my points (meaning I used all my daily, weekly, and exercise point), but things really came apart Friday. Jordan could come home at a reasonable hour and I wanted to celebrate with a steak. A big, juicy steak. And some sweet potato fries that were so delicious, I still kinda think it was worth it.
Yeah, I didn't track that meal. Then I came home and ate the rest of the sugar cookie bars that I had so carefully cut and frozen so I would have to be accountable. I didn't track those either.
*big breath*
(For the record, it's the height of cruelty that it takes me 4 weeks to lose 4 pounds, and a single weekend to gain 4 pounds. Not fair world. Not fair.)
Anyway. So what do you do when you've worked for months and months, and then in a single weekend you break habits you've spent all that time trying to build, plus you go backwards like, 10 steps? The only thing you can do: recommit. And it's SO HARD. And it's completely mental, this idea that you messed up so you might as well not try again.
But I realized it all came down to one thing: I need to write down every single thing I eat. No excuses. Frankly, it almost doesn't matter if I go over points, but I need to not fall back into lying to myself.
I have another week ahead of me much like last. Jordan working mostly late nights. What are my coping plans? Well, first, I'm taking the freakin' car, no matter what (side note- why I didn't take the car last week is a long story fraught with marital arguments that I won't get into here. Conclusion: Jordan doesn't get a say). We're going to the splash pad tomorrow, and getting together with friends on Thursday.
Second, when I feel munchy after the kids go to bed because I'm bored and lonely, I'm texting my friends, and I'm going to try to convince them to talk me out of it. Also, find something to do with my hands.
Finally, I'm going to be nice to myself. This time of year is HARD, and it's ok to make mistakes. I just need to hold on to the habits that I know work.
It started with Jordan working 16+ hours for three days in a row. Brutal. For everyone. It's not like Jordan wants to be there working that many hours; he was seriously sleep deprived. I was trying to hold the fort down, and I actually did alright in terms of not killing my children and not letting the house become a disaster zone. But what fell through the cracks? Oh yeah, my eating. A mix of I-deserve-this-because-my-two-year-old-just-smeared-peanut-butter-all-over-the-walls-plus-I-haven't-had-adult-conversation-in-days and all-by-myself-for-another-evening-I-should-make-those-sugar-cookie-bars-I-saw-on-pinterest-for-fun-and-yeah-I-can-eat-just-one-whoops-that's-a-lie. I managed to write everything day and stay within my points (meaning I used all my daily, weekly, and exercise point), but things really came apart Friday. Jordan could come home at a reasonable hour and I wanted to celebrate with a steak. A big, juicy steak. And some sweet potato fries that were so delicious, I still kinda think it was worth it.
Yeah, I didn't track that meal. Then I came home and ate the rest of the sugar cookie bars that I had so carefully cut and frozen so I would have to be accountable. I didn't track those either.
*big breath*
(For the record, it's the height of cruelty that it takes me 4 weeks to lose 4 pounds, and a single weekend to gain 4 pounds. Not fair world. Not fair.)
Anyway. So what do you do when you've worked for months and months, and then in a single weekend you break habits you've spent all that time trying to build, plus you go backwards like, 10 steps? The only thing you can do: recommit. And it's SO HARD. And it's completely mental, this idea that you messed up so you might as well not try again.
But I realized it all came down to one thing: I need to write down every single thing I eat. No excuses. Frankly, it almost doesn't matter if I go over points, but I need to not fall back into lying to myself.
I have another week ahead of me much like last. Jordan working mostly late nights. What are my coping plans? Well, first, I'm taking the freakin' car, no matter what (side note- why I didn't take the car last week is a long story fraught with marital arguments that I won't get into here. Conclusion: Jordan doesn't get a say). We're going to the splash pad tomorrow, and getting together with friends on Thursday.
Second, when I feel munchy after the kids go to bed because I'm bored and lonely, I'm texting my friends, and I'm going to try to convince them to talk me out of it. Also, find something to do with my hands.
Finally, I'm going to be nice to myself. This time of year is HARD, and it's ok to make mistakes. I just need to hold on to the habits that I know work.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Defining Success
I have a confession: I often find myself looking at other women, often people who are similar to me, and I think to myself, "Wow, she has it all. Great kids, great husband, fulfilling work, and she's thin!"
Here's what's funny about that sentence. I have all those things, except the thin-ness. I have great kids, a great husband, I enjoy being a mom, I teach some voice lessons that I enjoy... as a matter of fact, I have many things that would be defined as "successful in life." A couple of degrees, a modest home, a fulfilling church and spiritual life. I don't have any major mental illness (not that you can't be successful with mental illness! Just that it can be a hurdle in life), or even major physical impairments (I can run a 5k if I have to...). Yet for some reason, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see someone successful. I see someone who works hard, but someone who isn't sufficient.
Not only do I not feel accomplished, but in my head I have decided others don't think I'm successful either. I think part of the reason I have struggled to "gel" in my new ward (aka a church congregation) is that I perceive (most likely incorrectly) that people don't think I have it all together. That because of my weight, I must be lazy. How crazy is it that I hold this against the other women I know? Frankly, it's not fair (and probably insulting) to them that I think they are so shallow that they think my weight overshadows every other aspect of my personality.
I'm just going to say this for myself: it's not true. Sure, I'm overweight. And I want to lose weight. But just because I don't have an ideal body does not mean I don't have other great, worthy qualities. (I can hear the rest of you going, "Duh, Amanda. Get a grip." You're right.)
I think losing weight in order to feel successful would be a waste, and I would walk away feeling unfulfilled. I am already an accomplished, hard working person. And more importantly, I don't want weight loss to be the definition of life, when there are so many other things to live for.
Here's what's funny about that sentence. I have all those things, except the thin-ness. I have great kids, a great husband, I enjoy being a mom, I teach some voice lessons that I enjoy... as a matter of fact, I have many things that would be defined as "successful in life." A couple of degrees, a modest home, a fulfilling church and spiritual life. I don't have any major mental illness (not that you can't be successful with mental illness! Just that it can be a hurdle in life), or even major physical impairments (I can run a 5k if I have to...). Yet for some reason, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see someone successful. I see someone who works hard, but someone who isn't sufficient.
Not only do I not feel accomplished, but in my head I have decided others don't think I'm successful either. I think part of the reason I have struggled to "gel" in my new ward (aka a church congregation) is that I perceive (most likely incorrectly) that people don't think I have it all together. That because of my weight, I must be lazy. How crazy is it that I hold this against the other women I know? Frankly, it's not fair (and probably insulting) to them that I think they are so shallow that they think my weight overshadows every other aspect of my personality.
I'm just going to say this for myself: it's not true. Sure, I'm overweight. And I want to lose weight. But just because I don't have an ideal body does not mean I don't have other great, worthy qualities. (I can hear the rest of you going, "Duh, Amanda. Get a grip." You're right.)
I think losing weight in order to feel successful would be a waste, and I would walk away feeling unfulfilled. I am already an accomplished, hard working person. And more importantly, I don't want weight loss to be the definition of life, when there are so many other things to live for.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Things that are working for me!
In light of not trying to let my writing become too depressed and down in the dumps, here are some things that are working for me right now:
1. Weight Watchers Man, I love weight watchers. I can eat anything I want, and know that I"m not "cheating." I have eaten this most delectable, life changing grilled cheese sandwich 3 times this week, and still managed to lose weight, all because I can keep track of my calories, and no food is off limits. So yeah, weight watchers (and that magnificent grilled cheese) is definitely working for me.
2. Lucy being able to deviate from her schedule Part of what has made the last 6 months so difficult is Lucy is a very schedule oriented baby, who likes her bed and her white noise and her blankie. She doesn't like her car seat. Ha. Anyway, my world has revolved around getting Lucy to sleep for almost 7 months now, but the last few weeks she's been a little bit more flexible, so we've left the house a couple of times, had some play dates, we've even gone shopping. It helps not being around the house all the time with the delicious food.
3. Eating lunch picnic style in our backyard This one really surprised me. I did it on a I'm-trying-to-be-a-fun-spontaneous-mom whim, and it worked so well! Clara loved the change, Lucy loved getting sun and subsequently napped better in the afternoons (remember how my entire life revolved around her sleep?), it kept everyone happy the last hour before nap time... and honestly, I don't know why this has worked to my advantage to lose weight, but it definitely feels like it has, so I'm putting it on the list.
4. Looking forward to Alaska in 3 weeks Having something really fun to look forward to really helps my spirits. And when my spirits are lifted, I eat less. And I always lose weight when I go to Alaska, so I'm not even stressed about vacation weight. Woohoo!
5. Fage Raspberry Greek Yogurt I started eating this yogurt every morning for breakfast. I love it. A lot. I generally don't like Greek yogurt, but the raspberry fruit mix in that goes with it is SO good.
Overall, things are going well. I'm pleased with my slow but steady progress the last 3 weeks or so. It's funny, I had hoped to be 20 pounds less than I am when I went to Alaska, and I"m often still a little sad about it, but I can honestly say to myself that I have tried and I have not "cheated" in 3 1/2 months. So there's nothing I could do. I know that things are moving in the right direction.
P.S. Go make the grilled cheese. Really. Worth the calories 1000X's over.
1. Weight Watchers Man, I love weight watchers. I can eat anything I want, and know that I"m not "cheating." I have eaten this most delectable, life changing grilled cheese sandwich 3 times this week, and still managed to lose weight, all because I can keep track of my calories, and no food is off limits. So yeah, weight watchers (and that magnificent grilled cheese) is definitely working for me.
2. Lucy being able to deviate from her schedule Part of what has made the last 6 months so difficult is Lucy is a very schedule oriented baby, who likes her bed and her white noise and her blankie. She doesn't like her car seat. Ha. Anyway, my world has revolved around getting Lucy to sleep for almost 7 months now, but the last few weeks she's been a little bit more flexible, so we've left the house a couple of times, had some play dates, we've even gone shopping. It helps not being around the house all the time with the delicious food.
3. Eating lunch picnic style in our backyard This one really surprised me. I did it on a I'm-trying-to-be-a-fun-spontaneous-mom whim, and it worked so well! Clara loved the change, Lucy loved getting sun and subsequently napped better in the afternoons (remember how my entire life revolved around her sleep?), it kept everyone happy the last hour before nap time... and honestly, I don't know why this has worked to my advantage to lose weight, but it definitely feels like it has, so I'm putting it on the list.
4. Looking forward to Alaska in 3 weeks Having something really fun to look forward to really helps my spirits. And when my spirits are lifted, I eat less. And I always lose weight when I go to Alaska, so I'm not even stressed about vacation weight. Woohoo!
5. Fage Raspberry Greek Yogurt I started eating this yogurt every morning for breakfast. I love it. A lot. I generally don't like Greek yogurt, but the raspberry fruit mix in that goes with it is SO good.
Overall, things are going well. I'm pleased with my slow but steady progress the last 3 weeks or so. It's funny, I had hoped to be 20 pounds less than I am when I went to Alaska, and I"m often still a little sad about it, but I can honestly say to myself that I have tried and I have not "cheated" in 3 1/2 months. So there's nothing I could do. I know that things are moving in the right direction.
P.S. Go make the grilled cheese. Really. Worth the calories 1000X's over.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Update on Progress
... and there is progress! I know when I don't update, it seems like maybe I've jumped off the wagon, but no worries, not true, still plugging away. This week went especially well, so I'm feeling quite motivated. It's still slow, and I often feel quite frustrated, but the scale is definitely moving in the right direction. This has become my mantra when I'm feeling discouraged: "My weight is going down. My weight is going down. My weight is going down."
Fitness wise, I'm feeling quite proud of myself. I have finished couch to 5k, and now I"m just training for the Chena River Run in May when I get to Fairbanks. I'm continuing to do Jillian Michaels workouts. I finished both 30 Day Shred and Ripped in 30, and I've decided for the next month until I head to Alaska to roate the different workouts (there are 3 20 minute workouts on 30 Day Shred and 4 20 minute workouts on Ripped in 30).
Anyway, I"m excited to feel motivated, to feel like I can do this.
Fitness wise, I'm feeling quite proud of myself. I have finished couch to 5k, and now I"m just training for the Chena River Run in May when I get to Fairbanks. I'm continuing to do Jillian Michaels workouts. I finished both 30 Day Shred and Ripped in 30, and I've decided for the next month until I head to Alaska to roate the different workouts (there are 3 20 minute workouts on 30 Day Shred and 4 20 minute workouts on Ripped in 30).
Anyway, I"m excited to feel motivated, to feel like I can do this.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
A Down Day
And then there are days when I feel like this whole process is so, so slow. I am so tired of the way things are now, and I feel like I'm doing those things that are necessary to get me to where I want to be, but it's taking so long, it feels like I will never get there. Is all of this really worth it? Because sometimes, it just feels like a whole bunch of work for very little payoff.
(You know those people who say, "And the weight just started falling off of me?" Yeah. That's never happened to me.)
I have thought about going to see a doctor a couple of times. I have two issues I am concerned about.
1. Possibility of a thyroid issue
2. Possibility of exercise induced asthma
The thyroid issue might explain why my weight loss is very slow. And why I am so tired. Although both of those might also be attributed to breastfeeding and the ins and outs of having a new baby.
I have two siblings who have fairly severe asthma (so there's some family history there), and I often find myself wheezing and feeling like I have a tight chest when I exercise But maybe I'm just being a whiner and that's how exercise is supposed to feel.
I suppose you're thinking, "Stop complaining and just go see a doctor!" And you would probably be right. I don't go because I'm ashamed, I'm afraid of what they'll say to me, of what they'll think of me. As someone who tries to do the right thing all the time, who wants to be successful and accomplished, going to the doctor while overweight is like walking into a test you know you're going to fail. The anxiety I feel over disappointing individuals I respect is very real.
Anyway, today is just one of those days.
Maybe I just didn't get enough sleep last night (do I ever?).
P.S. Don't worry, I'm going to go see a doctor.
(You know those people who say, "And the weight just started falling off of me?" Yeah. That's never happened to me.)
I have thought about going to see a doctor a couple of times. I have two issues I am concerned about.
1. Possibility of a thyroid issue
2. Possibility of exercise induced asthma
The thyroid issue might explain why my weight loss is very slow. And why I am so tired. Although both of those might also be attributed to breastfeeding and the ins and outs of having a new baby.
I have two siblings who have fairly severe asthma (so there's some family history there), and I often find myself wheezing and feeling like I have a tight chest when I exercise But maybe I'm just being a whiner and that's how exercise is supposed to feel.
I suppose you're thinking, "Stop complaining and just go see a doctor!" And you would probably be right. I don't go because I'm ashamed, I'm afraid of what they'll say to me, of what they'll think of me. As someone who tries to do the right thing all the time, who wants to be successful and accomplished, going to the doctor while overweight is like walking into a test you know you're going to fail. The anxiety I feel over disappointing individuals I respect is very real.
Anyway, today is just one of those days.
Maybe I just didn't get enough sleep last night (do I ever?).
P.S. Don't worry, I'm going to go see a doctor.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Parenting and Food
Here's my big question of the hour: how do you raise kids with a healthy attitude towards food, even if you don't have one yourself?
This is a big one. I'm not just talking about over-eating and avoiding obesity, but how can I help my children (and in particular my girls) avoid the dangerous pitfalls of anorexia, bulimia and any other sort of disordered eating. Really, all of these issues come from the same idea, abusing food to meet emotional needs (whether that is comfort or control).
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| Look at these cute girls. They deserve cookies! Oh yeah, and a healthy attitude about food... that too... |
How can I teach my daughters to put food in it's rightful place? How can I teach them that food isn't the be all end all in the world? That there's a whole world waiting for them, and if they treat their eating with respect that they will experience so much joy!
I don't know the answers, but I have a couple of ideas that I am implementing, even now while they are so young.
1. Respect their hunger. This means that there's isn't a "clean plate rule." If Clara sits at dinner and eats one bite, I don't coerce her to eat more.
2. Let the child be in control of the food. It's one of those really difficult parenting things where you just have to let it go. The food has been offered, it's up to the child to put the food in their mouths. If Clara only eats her grapes and leaves the rest, then I just let it go. Even if I know she's still hungry.
(Note: That is not to say that she gets cookies if she eats dinner. If she doesn't eat what I offer her, then she doesn't eat. No snacks, treats, or making her a meal that she says she will eat. Mom =/= short-order cook.)
3. There are no bad foods. A cookie is not "bad." But all things in order and moderation. Clara and I have a little tradition that she gets a little fruit snack when she wakes up from her nap. A little fruit snack, even once a day, isn't going to cause a problem. But if I was giving a fruit snack as a bribe multiple times a day in order to make my life easier, that's probably a problem. (Ok, there are totally days I do this. But it's not EVERY day...)
4. Don't talk about losing weight in front of my kids or vocalizing my guilt when I eat something unhealthy. I really think kids internalize this and then start to become hypercritical of their own eating and bodies.
These four things are the biggest conscious choices I've made to help my kids have a healthy relationship with food. I think I'm on the right track, but I worry if I'm doing enough, or if there are things I'm doing unconsciously that might detract from my goal.
The biggest one is I try to respect their hunger. When my children were babies, I nursed them on demand. When I started adding solids, I fed them at regular intervals, but I never required that they finish their plates. I always offered a variety of foods (including fruits and veggies) and they could eat what they wanted and leave what they didn't like. There's no "clean plate" rule. I hope what I'm teaching my toddler is to trust how she feels. If she's full, she's full, and I'm not going to force her to eat. I also want her to feel is that she is control of the food she eats. It's one of the those things where all you can do is put food in front of them and offer it, and then they have to do the rest (without any coercion . I think it's important to find those moments in parenting where you can give the child total control.
Here's one concern I've been considering: truth is, I don't want food to just be for nutrition. I want my children to build happy memories around good food. I want sitting to the dinner table as a family to filled with laughter, fun, and good food. If we want to eat some homemade, fatty fat-sauce chicken cordon bleu, well, I'm making it (respecting portion sizes, of course)! My worry is, though, by creating even the happy memories around food, it attaches an emotional quality to food. Does an emotional attachment to food, even if it's a good emotion, cause problems in the future? I don't know. I'd love to hear some other perspectives. Any ideas? Anyone have any family food rules they follow?
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