You guys, I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good because I can see behavior's in my life that previously derailed me that I am overcoming. I'm feeling good because I have good friends who are helping me through this and being very supportive. I'm feeling good because I feel like I can finally see my life piece together here in Phoenix. It's not perfect, not yet, but I can see friendships developing and that in the long run, I can make Phoenix my home.
I wrote earlier that last week was really difficult and that I had fallen into some bad habits. But I decided to take recovery seriously, and really focus on writing everything I ate down this week. I even did it with a friend, where I put some money in an envelope and if I slipped up, I'd have to give her that money. When I felt like I was struggling, I'd send her a text and she'd talk to me. And you guys, it worked! I have been on top of things! And that four pounds that I "put on" last week? Yeah, gone. Woot!
I feel like this is one of those defining moments, that when I look back and see that I even though I messed up, I was able to get back up, I'll realize this was what made all the difference. It's not about being perfect, it's about being committed.
Or maybe I just feel great because my house is clean. That also might be it. ;^)
Friday, April 26, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Getting back on course
What a week. What a weekend. It wasn't pretty.
It started with Jordan working 16+ hours for three days in a row. Brutal. For everyone. It's not like Jordan wants to be there working that many hours; he was seriously sleep deprived. I was trying to hold the fort down, and I actually did alright in terms of not killing my children and not letting the house become a disaster zone. But what fell through the cracks? Oh yeah, my eating. A mix of I-deserve-this-because-my-two-year-old-just-smeared-peanut-butter-all-over-the-walls-plus-I-haven't-had-adult-conversation-in-days and all-by-myself-for-another-evening-I-should-make-those-sugar-cookie-bars-I-saw-on-pinterest-for-fun-and-yeah-I-can-eat-just-one-whoops-that's-a-lie. I managed to write everything day and stay within my points (meaning I used all my daily, weekly, and exercise point), but things really came apart Friday. Jordan could come home at a reasonable hour and I wanted to celebrate with a steak. A big, juicy steak. And some sweet potato fries that were so delicious, I still kinda think it was worth it.
Yeah, I didn't track that meal. Then I came home and ate the rest of the sugar cookie bars that I had so carefully cut and frozen so I would have to be accountable. I didn't track those either.
*big breath*
(For the record, it's the height of cruelty that it takes me 4 weeks to lose 4 pounds, and a single weekend to gain 4 pounds. Not fair world. Not fair.)
Anyway. So what do you do when you've worked for months and months, and then in a single weekend you break habits you've spent all that time trying to build, plus you go backwards like, 10 steps? The only thing you can do: recommit. And it's SO HARD. And it's completely mental, this idea that you messed up so you might as well not try again.
But I realized it all came down to one thing: I need to write down every single thing I eat. No excuses. Frankly, it almost doesn't matter if I go over points, but I need to not fall back into lying to myself.
I have another week ahead of me much like last. Jordan working mostly late nights. What are my coping plans? Well, first, I'm taking the freakin' car, no matter what (side note- why I didn't take the car last week is a long story fraught with marital arguments that I won't get into here. Conclusion: Jordan doesn't get a say). We're going to the splash pad tomorrow, and getting together with friends on Thursday.
Second, when I feel munchy after the kids go to bed because I'm bored and lonely, I'm texting my friends, and I'm going to try to convince them to talk me out of it. Also, find something to do with my hands.
Finally, I'm going to be nice to myself. This time of year is HARD, and it's ok to make mistakes. I just need to hold on to the habits that I know work.
It started with Jordan working 16+ hours for three days in a row. Brutal. For everyone. It's not like Jordan wants to be there working that many hours; he was seriously sleep deprived. I was trying to hold the fort down, and I actually did alright in terms of not killing my children and not letting the house become a disaster zone. But what fell through the cracks? Oh yeah, my eating. A mix of I-deserve-this-because-my-two-year-old-just-smeared-peanut-butter-all-over-the-walls-plus-I-haven't-had-adult-conversation-in-days and all-by-myself-for-another-evening-I-should-make-those-sugar-cookie-bars-I-saw-on-pinterest-for-fun-and-yeah-I-can-eat-just-one-whoops-that's-a-lie. I managed to write everything day and stay within my points (meaning I used all my daily, weekly, and exercise point), but things really came apart Friday. Jordan could come home at a reasonable hour and I wanted to celebrate with a steak. A big, juicy steak. And some sweet potato fries that were so delicious, I still kinda think it was worth it.
Yeah, I didn't track that meal. Then I came home and ate the rest of the sugar cookie bars that I had so carefully cut and frozen so I would have to be accountable. I didn't track those either.
*big breath*
(For the record, it's the height of cruelty that it takes me 4 weeks to lose 4 pounds, and a single weekend to gain 4 pounds. Not fair world. Not fair.)
Anyway. So what do you do when you've worked for months and months, and then in a single weekend you break habits you've spent all that time trying to build, plus you go backwards like, 10 steps? The only thing you can do: recommit. And it's SO HARD. And it's completely mental, this idea that you messed up so you might as well not try again.
But I realized it all came down to one thing: I need to write down every single thing I eat. No excuses. Frankly, it almost doesn't matter if I go over points, but I need to not fall back into lying to myself.
I have another week ahead of me much like last. Jordan working mostly late nights. What are my coping plans? Well, first, I'm taking the freakin' car, no matter what (side note- why I didn't take the car last week is a long story fraught with marital arguments that I won't get into here. Conclusion: Jordan doesn't get a say). We're going to the splash pad tomorrow, and getting together with friends on Thursday.
Second, when I feel munchy after the kids go to bed because I'm bored and lonely, I'm texting my friends, and I'm going to try to convince them to talk me out of it. Also, find something to do with my hands.
Finally, I'm going to be nice to myself. This time of year is HARD, and it's ok to make mistakes. I just need to hold on to the habits that I know work.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Defining Success
I have a confession: I often find myself looking at other women, often people who are similar to me, and I think to myself, "Wow, she has it all. Great kids, great husband, fulfilling work, and she's thin!"
Here's what's funny about that sentence. I have all those things, except the thin-ness. I have great kids, a great husband, I enjoy being a mom, I teach some voice lessons that I enjoy... as a matter of fact, I have many things that would be defined as "successful in life." A couple of degrees, a modest home, a fulfilling church and spiritual life. I don't have any major mental illness (not that you can't be successful with mental illness! Just that it can be a hurdle in life), or even major physical impairments (I can run a 5k if I have to...). Yet for some reason, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see someone successful. I see someone who works hard, but someone who isn't sufficient.
Not only do I not feel accomplished, but in my head I have decided others don't think I'm successful either. I think part of the reason I have struggled to "gel" in my new ward (aka a church congregation) is that I perceive (most likely incorrectly) that people don't think I have it all together. That because of my weight, I must be lazy. How crazy is it that I hold this against the other women I know? Frankly, it's not fair (and probably insulting) to them that I think they are so shallow that they think my weight overshadows every other aspect of my personality.
I'm just going to say this for myself: it's not true. Sure, I'm overweight. And I want to lose weight. But just because I don't have an ideal body does not mean I don't have other great, worthy qualities. (I can hear the rest of you going, "Duh, Amanda. Get a grip." You're right.)
I think losing weight in order to feel successful would be a waste, and I would walk away feeling unfulfilled. I am already an accomplished, hard working person. And more importantly, I don't want weight loss to be the definition of life, when there are so many other things to live for.
Here's what's funny about that sentence. I have all those things, except the thin-ness. I have great kids, a great husband, I enjoy being a mom, I teach some voice lessons that I enjoy... as a matter of fact, I have many things that would be defined as "successful in life." A couple of degrees, a modest home, a fulfilling church and spiritual life. I don't have any major mental illness (not that you can't be successful with mental illness! Just that it can be a hurdle in life), or even major physical impairments (I can run a 5k if I have to...). Yet for some reason, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see someone successful. I see someone who works hard, but someone who isn't sufficient.
Not only do I not feel accomplished, but in my head I have decided others don't think I'm successful either. I think part of the reason I have struggled to "gel" in my new ward (aka a church congregation) is that I perceive (most likely incorrectly) that people don't think I have it all together. That because of my weight, I must be lazy. How crazy is it that I hold this against the other women I know? Frankly, it's not fair (and probably insulting) to them that I think they are so shallow that they think my weight overshadows every other aspect of my personality.
I'm just going to say this for myself: it's not true. Sure, I'm overweight. And I want to lose weight. But just because I don't have an ideal body does not mean I don't have other great, worthy qualities. (I can hear the rest of you going, "Duh, Amanda. Get a grip." You're right.)
I think losing weight in order to feel successful would be a waste, and I would walk away feeling unfulfilled. I am already an accomplished, hard working person. And more importantly, I don't want weight loss to be the definition of life, when there are so many other things to live for.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Things that are working for me!
In light of not trying to let my writing become too depressed and down in the dumps, here are some things that are working for me right now:
1. Weight Watchers Man, I love weight watchers. I can eat anything I want, and know that I"m not "cheating." I have eaten this most delectable, life changing grilled cheese sandwich 3 times this week, and still managed to lose weight, all because I can keep track of my calories, and no food is off limits. So yeah, weight watchers (and that magnificent grilled cheese) is definitely working for me.
2. Lucy being able to deviate from her schedule Part of what has made the last 6 months so difficult is Lucy is a very schedule oriented baby, who likes her bed and her white noise and her blankie. She doesn't like her car seat. Ha. Anyway, my world has revolved around getting Lucy to sleep for almost 7 months now, but the last few weeks she's been a little bit more flexible, so we've left the house a couple of times, had some play dates, we've even gone shopping. It helps not being around the house all the time with the delicious food.
3. Eating lunch picnic style in our backyard This one really surprised me. I did it on a I'm-trying-to-be-a-fun-spontaneous-mom whim, and it worked so well! Clara loved the change, Lucy loved getting sun and subsequently napped better in the afternoons (remember how my entire life revolved around her sleep?), it kept everyone happy the last hour before nap time... and honestly, I don't know why this has worked to my advantage to lose weight, but it definitely feels like it has, so I'm putting it on the list.
4. Looking forward to Alaska in 3 weeks Having something really fun to look forward to really helps my spirits. And when my spirits are lifted, I eat less. And I always lose weight when I go to Alaska, so I'm not even stressed about vacation weight. Woohoo!
5. Fage Raspberry Greek Yogurt I started eating this yogurt every morning for breakfast. I love it. A lot. I generally don't like Greek yogurt, but the raspberry fruit mix in that goes with it is SO good.
Overall, things are going well. I'm pleased with my slow but steady progress the last 3 weeks or so. It's funny, I had hoped to be 20 pounds less than I am when I went to Alaska, and I"m often still a little sad about it, but I can honestly say to myself that I have tried and I have not "cheated" in 3 1/2 months. So there's nothing I could do. I know that things are moving in the right direction.
P.S. Go make the grilled cheese. Really. Worth the calories 1000X's over.
1. Weight Watchers Man, I love weight watchers. I can eat anything I want, and know that I"m not "cheating." I have eaten this most delectable, life changing grilled cheese sandwich 3 times this week, and still managed to lose weight, all because I can keep track of my calories, and no food is off limits. So yeah, weight watchers (and that magnificent grilled cheese) is definitely working for me.
2. Lucy being able to deviate from her schedule Part of what has made the last 6 months so difficult is Lucy is a very schedule oriented baby, who likes her bed and her white noise and her blankie. She doesn't like her car seat. Ha. Anyway, my world has revolved around getting Lucy to sleep for almost 7 months now, but the last few weeks she's been a little bit more flexible, so we've left the house a couple of times, had some play dates, we've even gone shopping. It helps not being around the house all the time with the delicious food.
3. Eating lunch picnic style in our backyard This one really surprised me. I did it on a I'm-trying-to-be-a-fun-spontaneous-mom whim, and it worked so well! Clara loved the change, Lucy loved getting sun and subsequently napped better in the afternoons (remember how my entire life revolved around her sleep?), it kept everyone happy the last hour before nap time... and honestly, I don't know why this has worked to my advantage to lose weight, but it definitely feels like it has, so I'm putting it on the list.
4. Looking forward to Alaska in 3 weeks Having something really fun to look forward to really helps my spirits. And when my spirits are lifted, I eat less. And I always lose weight when I go to Alaska, so I'm not even stressed about vacation weight. Woohoo!
5. Fage Raspberry Greek Yogurt I started eating this yogurt every morning for breakfast. I love it. A lot. I generally don't like Greek yogurt, but the raspberry fruit mix in that goes with it is SO good.
Overall, things are going well. I'm pleased with my slow but steady progress the last 3 weeks or so. It's funny, I had hoped to be 20 pounds less than I am when I went to Alaska, and I"m often still a little sad about it, but I can honestly say to myself that I have tried and I have not "cheated" in 3 1/2 months. So there's nothing I could do. I know that things are moving in the right direction.
P.S. Go make the grilled cheese. Really. Worth the calories 1000X's over.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Update on Progress
... and there is progress! I know when I don't update, it seems like maybe I've jumped off the wagon, but no worries, not true, still plugging away. This week went especially well, so I'm feeling quite motivated. It's still slow, and I often feel quite frustrated, but the scale is definitely moving in the right direction. This has become my mantra when I'm feeling discouraged: "My weight is going down. My weight is going down. My weight is going down."
Fitness wise, I'm feeling quite proud of myself. I have finished couch to 5k, and now I"m just training for the Chena River Run in May when I get to Fairbanks. I'm continuing to do Jillian Michaels workouts. I finished both 30 Day Shred and Ripped in 30, and I've decided for the next month until I head to Alaska to roate the different workouts (there are 3 20 minute workouts on 30 Day Shred and 4 20 minute workouts on Ripped in 30).
Anyway, I"m excited to feel motivated, to feel like I can do this.
Fitness wise, I'm feeling quite proud of myself. I have finished couch to 5k, and now I"m just training for the Chena River Run in May when I get to Fairbanks. I'm continuing to do Jillian Michaels workouts. I finished both 30 Day Shred and Ripped in 30, and I've decided for the next month until I head to Alaska to roate the different workouts (there are 3 20 minute workouts on 30 Day Shred and 4 20 minute workouts on Ripped in 30).
Anyway, I"m excited to feel motivated, to feel like I can do this.
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