An update

Some days are harder than others.  For a month now, I've been going back and forth from feeling proud of myself for making some serious commitments the last year, to being frustrated that those commitments haven't given me the result I wanted.

Here's the bad/frustrating:

1. Since January, I have lost 25 pounds.  I know that seems like a lot, but consider that I have put a lot of energy into this, and that is less than a pound a week.  That's pretty slow moving for the amount of focus I have been giving this whole thing.  And I have a lot of weight left to lose.

2. I leave on a cruise in a little over 3 months, and I would like to seriously speed up my weight loss, and I don't know if I can.

3. Ok, that's a lie.  I know I can.  I'm just not sure I'm prepared to do what needs to be done.  I'm not one of those people who just loses 2 pounds a week every week on weight watchers.  I need to change something major in my diet, like going sugar free, or gluten free, or something, and I just don't know if I can do it.  Certainly, I don't want to live the rest of my life that way.  So is it worth it to lose a bunch of weight only to gain it back when I can't hold on to the dietary habits?

Here's the good:

1. I have been writing down everything thing I eat for nearly a year.  I have been as honest as I can (with some short lapses, as those are bound to happen in a year).

2. I have developed this amazing exercise habit.  I can't believe I have been regularly exercising (with pretty high intensity!) for nearly a year.  I have never exercised regularly for that long in my adult life.

3. I went from barely being able to job 2 minutes to jogging strait for 30 minutes, and mostly jogging for 5 miles.  I feel so good when I workout.

4. I am finishing up my second week of Insanity, and I really like it!  It's a very difficult workout, but I truly did prepare myself for it.  I find I can at least keep up with the video.  I can't wait until next month when things get a little crazy, I think I'll really be able to push myself.


Anyway, I thing about all these things a lot.  I'm really proud of myself for all the good things I've done the last year.  I'm really scared of what I really need to do to lose weight.  You guys, I REALLY like sugar.  And I like weight watchers because it means I don't have to give up on sugar.  :(

Busy Summer

But I'm still hanging on.  I spent 5 1/2 weeks in Alaska, 2 weeks in Phoenix, 3 1/2 weeks in Missouri, and I've been home for almost 3 weeks.  It's been interesting.  I haven't gained back any weight, but I have gotten lax in my habits.  The nice thing about vacations is that I don't tend to gain any weight, and indeed I weigh less now than I did when I left for Alaska.  The problem with that is that I need solid habits when I'm home and by myself, and those habits have fallen by the wayside since all my trips.  I've had a couple of "failed attempts" at getting back into writing everything down that I eat in order to be back into that habit.  I attempted to do a low-carb week last week that totally failed on me, so I decided to just focus on being accountable and writing everything down.  It's so hard to be honest with myself.

I exercised off and on while on vacation.  In Alaska I went for walks and spent a week at the gym in there.  Back home I did a couple of Jillian Michael work outs inconsistently, and then when I stayed in Missouri I didn't do anything for the first week and a half.  But THEN my awesome sister in law Audra came, and she teaches a zumba class, so we did zumba every morning as a group! It was SO fun, I had such a great time.  I wish I could do zumba with Audra everyday.  :)

Since being home, I've had a hard time getting going with the exercise again, but I think I'm in a groove.  The great thing that's happened since I was on vacation is that Lucy now sleeps through the night!  That means that I'm not so sleep deprived and I can now wake up early to do my workouts BEFORE the kids wake up, leaving me feeling better throughout the day.  I wake up at about 6:30 and I do 1 Jillian Michael workout (either from 30 Day Shred or Ripped in 30) and 20 minutes on the treadmill.  And today instead of snacking all afternoon during nap time, I got on the treadmill and walked for an hour.  Rocking it!

The big thing I'm working towards is a cruise to Mexico we booked.  End of February.  I would like to not hate myself as I get into a swimsuit.  I want to be able to do the really fun, active excursions.  I'm so excited to have some time for just Jordan and I (we haven't been away from the kids since Clara was born) for a whole week!  I'm feeling really motivated by it, and I have some serious goals I'm working towards.

Over the next few months, after I wean Lucy, I'm thinking about doing either Insanity or P90X.  Anyone have any recommendations?

And back on the wagon

You guys, I'm feeling good.  I'm feeling good because I can see behavior's in my life that previously derailed me that I am overcoming.  I'm feeling good because I have good friends who are helping me through this and being very supportive.  I'm feeling good because I feel like I can finally see my life piece together here in Phoenix.  It's not perfect, not yet, but I can see friendships developing and that in the long run, I can make Phoenix my home.

I wrote earlier that last week was really difficult and that I had fallen into some bad habits.  But I decided to take recovery seriously, and really focus on writing everything I ate down this week.  I even did it with a friend, where I put some money in an envelope  and if I slipped up, I'd have to give her that money.  When I felt like I was struggling, I'd send her a text and she'd talk to me. And you guys, it worked!  I have been on top of things!  And that four pounds that I "put on" last week?   Yeah, gone.  Woot!

I feel like this is one of those defining moments, that when I look back and see that I even though I messed up, I was able to get back up, I'll realize this was what made all the difference.  It's not about being perfect, it's about being committed.

Or maybe I just feel great because my house is clean.  That also might be it. ;^)

Getting back on course

What a week. What a weekend.  It wasn't pretty.

It started with Jordan working 16+ hours for three days in a row.  Brutal.  For everyone.  It's not like Jordan wants to be there working that many hours; he was seriously sleep deprived.  I was trying to hold the fort down, and I actually did alright in terms of not killing my children and not letting the house become a disaster zone.  But what fell through the cracks?  Oh yeah, my eating.  A mix of I-deserve-this-because-my-two-year-old-just-smeared-peanut-butter-all-over-the-walls-plus-I-haven't-had-adult-conversation-in-days and all-by-myself-for-another-evening-I-should-make-those-sugar-cookie-bars-I-saw-on-pinterest-for-fun-and-yeah-I-can-eat-just-one-whoops-that's-a-lie.  I managed to write everything day and stay within my points (meaning I used all my daily, weekly, and exercise point), but things really came apart Friday. Jordan could come home at a reasonable hour and I wanted to celebrate with a steak.  A big, juicy steak.  And some sweet potato fries that were so delicious, I still kinda think it was worth it.

Yeah, I didn't track that meal.  Then I came home and ate the rest of the sugar cookie bars that I had so carefully cut and frozen so I would have to be accountable.  I didn't track those either.

*big breath*

(For the record, it's the height of cruelty that it takes me 4 weeks to lose 4 pounds, and a single weekend to gain 4 pounds.  Not fair world.  Not fair.)

Anyway.  So what do you do when you've worked for months and months, and then in a single weekend you break habits you've spent all that time trying to build, plus you go backwards like, 10 steps?  The only thing you can do: recommit.  And it's SO HARD.  And it's completely mental, this idea that you messed up so you might as well not try again.

But I realized it all came down to one thing: I need to write down every single thing I eat.  No excuses.  Frankly, it almost doesn't matter if I go over points, but I need to not fall back into lying to myself.

I have another week ahead of me much like last.  Jordan working mostly late nights.  What are my coping plans?  Well, first, I'm taking the freakin' car, no matter what (side note- why I didn't take the car last week is a long story fraught with marital arguments that I won't get into here.  Conclusion: Jordan doesn't get a say).  We're going to the splash pad tomorrow, and getting together with friends on Thursday.

Second, when I feel munchy after the kids go to bed because I'm bored and lonely, I'm texting my friends, and I'm going to try to convince them to talk me out of it.  Also, find something to do with my hands.

Finally, I'm going to be nice to myself.  This time of year is HARD, and it's ok to make mistakes.  I just need to hold on to the habits that I know work.

Defining Success

I have a confession: I often find myself looking at other women, often people who are similar to me, and I think to myself, "Wow, she has it all.  Great kids, great husband, fulfilling work, and she's thin!"

Here's what's funny about that sentence.  I have all those things, except the thin-ness.  I have great kids, a great husband, I enjoy being a mom, I teach some voice lessons that I enjoy... as a matter of fact, I have many things that would be defined as "successful in life."  A couple of degrees, a modest home, a fulfilling church and spiritual life.  I don't have any major mental illness (not that you can't be successful with mental illness!  Just that it can be a hurdle in life), or even major physical impairments (I can run a 5k if I have to...). Yet for some reason, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see someone successful.  I see someone who works hard, but someone who isn't sufficient.

Not only do I not feel accomplished, but in my head I have decided others don't think I'm successful either.  I think part of the reason I have struggled to "gel" in my new ward (aka a church congregation) is that I perceive (most likely incorrectly) that people don't think I have it all together.  That because of my weight, I must be lazy.  How crazy is it that I hold this against the other women I know?  Frankly, it's not fair (and probably insulting) to them that I think they are so shallow that they think my weight overshadows every other aspect of my personality.

I'm just going to say this for myself: it's not true.  Sure, I'm overweight.  And I want to lose weight.  But just because I don't have an ideal body does not mean I don't have other great, worthy qualities.  (I can hear the rest of you going, "Duh, Amanda.  Get a grip."  You're right.)

I think losing weight in order to feel successful would be a waste, and I would walk away feeling unfulfilled.  I am already an accomplished, hard working person.  And more importantly, I don't want weight loss to be the definition of life, when there are so many other things to live for.

Things that are working for me!

In light of not trying to let my writing become too depressed and down in the dumps, here are some things that are working for me right now:

1. Weight Watchers  Man, I love weight watchers.  I can eat anything I want, and know that I"m not "cheating."  I have eaten this most delectable, life changing grilled cheese sandwich 3 times this week, and still managed to lose weight, all because I can keep track of my calories, and no food is off limits. So yeah, weight watchers (and that magnificent grilled cheese) is definitely working for me.

2. Lucy being able to deviate from her schedule Part of what has made the last 6 months so difficult is Lucy is a very schedule oriented baby, who likes her bed and her white noise and her blankie.  She doesn't like her car seat.  Ha.  Anyway, my world has revolved around getting Lucy to sleep for almost 7 months now, but the last few weeks she's been a little bit more flexible, so we've left the house a couple of times, had some play dates, we've even gone shopping.  It helps not being around the house all the time with the delicious food.

3. Eating lunch picnic style in our backyard  This one really surprised me.  I did it on a I'm-trying-to-be-a-fun-spontaneous-mom whim, and it worked so well!  Clara loved the change, Lucy loved getting sun and subsequently napped better in the afternoons (remember how my entire life revolved around her sleep?), it kept everyone happy the last hour before nap time... and honestly, I don't know why this has worked to my advantage to lose weight, but it definitely feels like it has, so I'm putting it on the list.

4. Looking forward to Alaska in 3 weeks  Having something really fun to look forward to really helps my spirits.  And when my spirits are lifted, I eat less.  And I always lose weight when I go to Alaska, so I'm not even stressed about vacation weight.  Woohoo!

5. Fage Raspberry Greek Yogurt I started eating this yogurt every morning for breakfast. I love it.  A lot.  I generally don't like Greek yogurt, but the raspberry fruit mix in that goes with it is SO good.


Overall, things are going well.  I'm pleased with my slow but steady progress the last 3 weeks or so.  It's funny, I had hoped to be 20 pounds less than I am when I went to Alaska, and I"m often still a little sad about it, but I can honestly say to myself that I have tried and I have not "cheated" in 3 1/2 months.  So there's nothing I could do.  I know that things are moving in the right direction.


P.S. Go make the grilled cheese.  Really.  Worth the calories 1000X's over.

Update on Progress

... and there is progress!  I know when I don't update, it seems like maybe I've jumped off the wagon, but no worries, not true, still plugging away.  This week went especially well, so I'm feeling quite motivated.  It's still slow, and I often feel quite frustrated, but the scale is definitely moving in the right direction.  This has become my mantra when I'm feeling discouraged: "My weight is going down.  My weight is going down.  My weight is going down."

Fitness wise, I'm feeling quite proud of myself.  I have finished couch to 5k, and now I"m just training for the Chena River Run in May when I get to Fairbanks.  I'm continuing to do Jillian Michaels workouts.  I finished both 30 Day Shred and Ripped in 30, and I've decided for the next month until I head to Alaska to roate the different workouts (there are 3 20 minute workouts on 30 Day Shred and 4 20 minute workouts on Ripped in 30).

Anyway, I"m excited to feel motivated, to feel like I can do this.

A Down Day

And then there are days when I feel like this whole process is so, so slow.  I am so tired of the way things are now, and I feel like I'm doing those things that are necessary to get me to where I want to be, but it's taking so long, it feels like I will never get there.  Is all of this really worth it?  Because sometimes, it just feels like a whole bunch of work for very little payoff.

(You know those people who say, "And the weight just started falling off of me?"  Yeah.  That's never happened to me.)

I have thought about going to see a doctor a couple of times.  I have two issues I am concerned about.

1. Possibility of a thyroid issue
2. Possibility of exercise induced asthma

The thyroid issue might explain why my weight loss is very slow.  And why I am so tired. Although both of those might also be attributed to breastfeeding and the ins and outs of having a new baby.

I have two siblings who have fairly severe asthma (so there's some family history there), and I often find myself wheezing and feeling like I have a tight chest when I exercise   But maybe I'm just being a whiner and that's how exercise is supposed to feel.

I suppose you're thinking, "Stop complaining and just go see a doctor!"  And you would probably be right.  I don't go because I'm ashamed, I'm afraid of what they'll say to me, of what they'll think of me.  As someone who tries to do the right thing all the time, who wants to be successful and accomplished, going to the doctor while overweight is like walking into a test you know you're going to fail.  The anxiety I feel over disappointing individuals I respect is very real.

Anyway, today is just one of those days.

Maybe I just didn't get enough sleep last night (do I ever?).



P.S. Don't worry, I'm going to go see a doctor.

Parenting and Food

Here's my big question of the hour: how do you raise kids with a healthy attitude towards food, even if you don't have one yourself?

This is a big one.  I'm not just talking about over-eating and avoiding obesity, but how can I help my children (and in particular my girls) avoid the dangerous pitfalls of anorexia, bulimia and any other sort of disordered eating.  Really, all of these  issues come from the same idea, abusing food to meet emotional needs (whether that is comfort or control).

Look at these cute girls.  They deserve cookies!  Oh yeah, and a healthy attitude about food... that too...

How can I teach my daughters to put food in it's rightful place?  How can I teach them that food isn't the be all end all in the world?  That there's a whole world waiting for them, and if they treat their eating with respect that they will experience so much joy!

I don't know the answers, but I have a couple of ideas that I am implementing, even now while they are so young.

1. Respect their hunger.  This means that there's isn't a "clean plate rule."  If Clara sits at dinner and eats one bite, I don't coerce her to eat more.

2. Let the child be in control of the food.  It's one of those really difficult parenting things where you just have to let it go.  The food has been offered, it's up to the child to put the food in their mouths.  If Clara only eats her grapes and leaves the rest, then I just let it go.  Even if I know she's still hungry.
(Note: That is not to say that she gets cookies if she eats dinner.  If she doesn't eat what I offer her, then she doesn't eat.  No snacks, treats, or making her a meal that she says she will eat.  Mom =/= short-order cook.)

3. There are no bad foods.  A cookie is not "bad."  But all things in order and moderation.  Clara and I have a little tradition that she gets a little fruit snack when she wakes up from her nap.  A little fruit snack, even once a day, isn't going to cause a problem.  But if I was giving a fruit snack as a bribe multiple times a day in order to make my life easier, that's probably a problem. (Ok, there are totally days I do this.  But it's not EVERY day...)

4. Don't talk about losing weight in front of my kids or vocalizing my guilt when I eat something unhealthy.  I really think kids internalize this and then start to become hypercritical of their own eating and bodies.

These four things are the biggest conscious choices I've made to help my kids have a healthy relationship with food.  I think I'm on the right track, but I worry if I'm doing enough, or if there are things I'm doing unconsciously that might detract from my goal.

The biggest one is I try to respect their hunger.  When my children were babies, I nursed them on demand.  When I started adding solids, I fed them at regular intervals, but I never required that they finish their plates.  I always offered a variety of foods (including fruits and veggies) and they could eat what they wanted and leave what they didn't like.  There's no "clean plate" rule.  I hope what I'm teaching my toddler is to trust how she feels.  If she's full, she's full, and I'm not going to force her to eat.  I also want her to feel is that she is control of the food she eats.  It's one of the those things where all you can do is put food in front of them and offer it, and then they have to do the rest (without any coercion .  I think it's important to find those moments in parenting where you can give the child total control.

Here's one concern I've been considering: truth is, I don't want food to just be for nutrition.  I want my children to build happy memories around good food.  I want sitting to the dinner table as a family to filled with laughter, fun, and good food.  If we want to eat some homemade, fatty fat-sauce chicken cordon bleu, well, I'm making it (respecting portion sizes, of course)!  My worry is, though, by creating even the happy memories around food, it attaches an emotional quality to food.  Does an emotional attachment to food, even if it's a good emotion, cause problems in the future?  I don't know.  I'd love to hear some other perspectives.  Any ideas?  Anyone have any family food rules they follow?

Current Successes!

Today, I hit my 5% goal.  It took me what felt like forever, but I got there.

I have continued to make good exercising progress.  I can jog for 20 minutes strait (extremely, extremely slowly).  The Jillian Michael's workouts are getting both easier (meaning I can do nearly all of the exercises) and harder (meaning the workouts are getting progressively more difficult and my legs have been sore for a week strait).

I eat my fruits and veggies everyday.  I drink at least 8 cups of water, usually 12.  I have successfully done a low-carb week, and it went so well, I plan on doing another.  I have had no milk supply issues (yay!).

So, because I haven't had any supply issues and it's been going so well, I'm thinking about cutting my points again to say that I'm nursing "part-time."  With weight watchers, if you are exclusively nursing, you get an extra 14 points (!!!!) a day.  That's what I've been using.  When you are supplement with formula or solids, you get an extra 7 points a day.  Since we're moving into adding solids anyway, I'm going to see what happens this week if I cut back by 7 points a day.

My next weight goal is to hit 10%.  I hope it'll happen before I head to Alaska in May!

Perfect Bingeing Storm

So.  Jordan's "out of town."  But not really.  Every year he has this health care forum he goes to with the entire health care department of his company.  People from around the world come to these forums.  As it happens, I've been out of town every year since he go this job.  This year, I'm here.  And he's actually "gone," but really he's about 10 minutes away staying at a resort.  Say what?  I know.

So even though he lives here in Phoenix, he has this hotel room and he has to stay at the resort (again, in Phoenix) during the forum.  I find it extremely annoying.  I mean, it's right there, why can't he just stay at home and go to the forum in the morning like a regular job? But he can't (don't ask me why, no one's bothered to fill me in on that part).  So I'm at the house by myself for the next two days, while my husband is practically down the road.  (Good news: I do have the car, so it's not like I'm stranded here).

When I was dropping him off tonight, I was feeling a flurry of painful emotions.  I (like most married people, I assume) do not like being away from my spouse.  It honestly, truly feels like I'm missing an appendage.  I didn't realize how much I relied on the fact that he does indeed come home at night.  Even if he has to come home at 1am, and then leave again at 7am, at least he's home at some point.  Well, he's not coming home tonight, or for the following two nights.  And here I am, dropping him off in the car, honestly about in tears because I already miss him.  And I feel like a complete idiot because #1- he's not even gone that long and #2- he's not really gone, he's down the street. 

This isn't the first time he's had to spend a night away (and I've often left him for weeks at a time), and I'm wondering why this feels so painful even though he's not really gone.  And the answer is that usually I make a night of it when he leaves.  I order some nice take-out, and I get some delicious food, and I totally enjoy a binge night.  Oh yeah, baby.  But guess what?  This time I can't binge.  And although I didn't consciously recognize it as I was dropping him off, I realized that when I got home that there's nothing there for me.  What would be there for me?  Food.  My wonderful friend food who always gives me a tasty treat when I'm feeling lonely, sad and insecure.

By not having the food there, it's forcing me to face all these painful emotions without an antidote.  I'll be honest, my initial reaction of not having food is to be resentful of Jordan *which is not helpful.*  This isn't Jordan's fault, because I know if he had a choice he'd choose to stay here with me.  My next reaction is to snap at my kids, which is also *not helpful.*  So how do I channel these crappy (and, let's be honest, totally pathetic) feelings?  No idea.  Probably some sad music and a good cry session.  And an early bedtime.

And tonight, I'm certain I'll be dreaming of a gallon of delicious, delicious ice cream.

*Note: if you found this whole blog about me bawling my eyes out over my husband who isn't gone that long and who isn't really even gone totally pathetic, you would be correct. Rolling your eyes and/or laughing are appropriate reactions.  Don't worry, I am duly embarrassed.

The End Game

One of the most disheartening things about weight loss is thinking about what actually happens when you lose the weight.  One of the sayings I absolutely HATE is hearing "Maintenance is even harder than weight loss."  Really?  Harder than all this work?  Then what's the point?  Got any other "inspirational" information for me?

Anyway...

I often think about what I want my relationship food to look like when I get to my goal. I want is to be able to eat a cookie.  Just one.  And be happy. And not crave a second.  I want to make my family delicious food that we all enjoy, and eat in moderation.  

More than anything, I want to be in tune with my body enough that I intuitively know when I am truly satisfied.  I don't want to be obsessed with food the rest of my life.  That's my current problem, a preoccupation with food.  I want to put food in it's proper place, there to give me nutrition and bring me pleasure, not as an aspect of either emotional fulfillment or a point of control.  

I guess that's why I get so upset when I hear that maintenance is more difficult than losing weight, because it suggests never solving the underlying problem.  I worry my goal is unattainable and unrealistic.  I suppose I won't know until I get there.  (so I end on a happy note, I'd like to point out I used the word "until" instead of "if."  Go me and my self-assured success!)

Making goals

I have started to make a different goal each week, trying to figure out what weight loss techniques work best for me.  In the past two months I have tried:

-Eating all my fruits and veggies every day (this was resounding success, and I have been able to keep up with this since)

-No eating after 7pm (a great goal, but one that is extremely difficult to pull off when making dinner for my family.  I need a different approach...)

-Do a Jillian Michaels DVD for 6 days in a week (way.  way.  way too painful)

-Focus more on cardio for a week (I thought this might help me lose a bit faster.  It didn't really work)



There have been more, but those were the major ones.  The one other big thing I tried was to go low-carb for a week (in addition to staying within my weight watchers points), and it went really well!  I allowed myself unlimited fruits and veggies, I just didn't eat any sugar or starches for a week.  I lost the most weight I have ever lost in a week.  The only problem?  My milk supply took a complete nose dive.  It got crazy.  Lucy was up eating ever 2 hours through the night, and suddenly I was trying to recover it (read: pumping like crazy after every nursing session.  No bueno) when I had never had a problem before.  So I figured as great as my body responds to low-carb, that wasn't something that I could attempt until I weaned.

Until I realized there were some other factors at play (possible TMI: my period came back, and I while not common, it's possible for your milk supply to drop in the time right before your cycle begins).  So, I've waited a couple of weeks, and I've decided to reattempt low-carb and see how it goes.  Here's how I do "low-carb":

1. Unlimited fruits and veggies.  Sorry, I just can't cut out fruit.  Also, this helps make sure I am indeed getting enough calories and carbohydrates to maintain my milk supply.

2. Regularly have oatmeal in the morning.  Again, another step to protect my milk supply.  I don't have to have to eat it every morning, but at least 3 times a week.

3. Other than that, I don't count my carbohydrates meticulously  but rather I avoid starchy foods.  No bread, no potatoes, and definitely no sugary foods.  No snacking on sweets in the evening, even if I have the points for them.


I'm heading into this optimistically   I'd love to walk away from these two weeks with fewer sugar cravings and a better evening snacking habit.  I start tomorrow, and I"ll let you know how it goes!

Loneliness

At some point I'm going to write down my history with gaining weight, but the last few years in can be summed up in one word: loneliness.

When Jordan got a job in Phoenix, we were so excited and so grateful. We had been looking for a job for months, and he got a really, really fantastic one.  To this day, we often look at each other and talk about how very lucky we are that he got this job.  At the time, I hadn't really considered the implications for myself.  I had been thinking about how Jordan's life was going to change, how he was going to have to go to work and work hard, but I hadn't even spared a thought of what that meant for me (ok, except the money part.  I won't lie, I was pretty stoked to get an iPhone).  And then, suddenly, I was at home, by myself, without any friends, just me and my cute baby Clara.

Here, have a picture to break up the words  in this long post.  :)

I had no resources to make friends.  At least not resources I was used to.  I wasn't attending school. I wasn't going to work (the two most important places I had always made friends before).  Church was just 3 hours a week, it wasn't enough time to build any sort of meaningful relationships with people (it doesn't help that Jordan doesn't like to linger and talk after church.  He practically chases me out of the building).  I didn't know anyone in this city.  Jordan was suddenly working long hours, so I'd often be by myself for 10 hours a day.  We had one car, and I didn't always have access to it (still just have one car, btw), so I was often literally stuck in my apartment.  I was painfully lonely.  Clara was great and wonderful, and I was (and still am) grateful that I could be with her all the time.  But suddenly I was isolated, lonely and bored.  So I ate.

It was during this time that I hit the highest weight I have ever been at.  It did nothing to help me make friends.  Now I was isolated, lonely, bored and ashamed.  Honestly, this is the closest I'd ever felt to being depressed in my life.  I soothed myself by eating.  Frankly, it was the only "treat" I had to give myself.  Long day with a crying baby? Have a cookie!  Or 5.  Day been so mind-numbingly boring that I'm just looking to feel something?  How about I make a new recipe and eat the whole thing!  At one point I was describing to a friend of mine how much I relied on food for my entertainment.  I said, "There's almost nothing more exciting to me than a cupcake.  The only other thing I can think of off hand is a roller coaster."  Really, for me, food was like an amusement park ride compared to the monotony of my day.

I hadn't realized how directly linked my weight gain was to my loneliness until I went to Alaska for a month.  I had friends and family to talk to all the time!  I could get out and spend time with people, and it wasn't so painfully hot.  And I lost 10 pounds effortlessly.  The only change in my behavior was having people to talk to during the day.

There's a lot of stuff that has happened between then and now, including losing 25 pounds before I got pregnant with Lucy, moving to a house, pregnancy, giving birth, breastfeeding and making more friends.  My struggles now are similar, but for different reasons, but now I know my big, monstrous trigger, and I"m working on ways to deal with it.  I have friends I can call and talk to on the phone.  I try to take the car at least once a week to get out of the house.  The horrible binging habits I developed while dealing with my loneliness are still there. In the evenings, I STILL want to sit and eat 15 cookies, but by carefully writing down my food intake, I've been in way more control of the amount of food I eat.  I can tell myself no, or if I do binge, I have to write it all down and face the numbers on my food tracker.  This is definitely still a work in progress, but I'm happy with my progress in learning to deal with my loneliness.

the most unhelpful of emotions

I have had this blog for over a year now.  I have written in it very occasionally   I purposely didn't tell anyone about it.  A few of my friends have discovered it by chance.  I know my sister Melanie "follows" me, and there are possibly others who follow me (in secret) as well.  Why haven't I shared with any one else?  One word:

Shame.

I am so very, very ashamed that I have weight to lose.  I'm so ashamed, in fact, that I even don't want to publicly celebrate my success, because that would mean I have to admit how much weight I need to lose in the first place.  I have been so ashamed, that I often pretend that I'm ok with the way I look, that perhaps I weigh this much because I want to.  Crazy, right?

Shame is not a helpful emotion for the emotional eater.  Why?  Because shame makes me want to binge.  To hide that feeling under 15 brownies (side note: Mmmmm... 15 brownies...).  It makes me want to crawl into my bed and hide from the world, to avoid all those issues I need to face.

I am also afraid.  What if I fail?  What if I share this blog, and people read, but then they go, "What a hopeless case, she just goes back and forth and back and forth?"  I was seriously afraid of failing, like every other time I have tried to lose weight.  But now that I have proven to myself this is something I want to stick to (even if weight loss is so very, painfully slow), I feel like I can face sharing my experience with others.

So today, I'm facing the shame and the fear.  I'm sharing this with those that I know want me to be successful, who won't think less of me just because I have a certain amount of weight to lose.

I was gone for a bit...

.. but it's not because I fell off the wagon!  Woot!  I stopped writing honestly because life got so busy!  Two kids with two schedules, working in exercise in there and trying to keep the house in some sort of decent shape, and daily writing on the weightloss blog was the first to fall through.

But I have great news!  It took me 2 months and a LOT of work, but I have lost 10 pounds!  Woot!  It's much slower than I hoped, and that's been really demoralizing sometimes.  There was one day when I realized hadn't lost a single pound even though I thought I did everything perfect.  Jordan was there to console me as I cried and cried, but I haven't given up.

I have written down EVERYTHING I have eaten for the last two months.  This has proved to be the most important thing I could have done.  It's given me control of what I'm eating, even when I DO overeat or make mistakes.  If I write it down, I am in control of it.  And because I have written stuff down and I'm in that habit, I can't lie to myself.  It's helped me to set weekly goals for myself.  Really, I'm in control where before I was out of control.

I have worked out at least 5 days a week for the last two months.  I finished the 30 Day Shred, and now I'm working through Ripped in 30.  This has helped me feel SO GOOD!  I also have worked through Couch to 5k, and yesterday I ran for 20 minutes strait without stopping.  Now, it was slow (REAL slow), but I did it.

Losing weight slowly is still really frustrating, but the truth is that it's so so good for me.  I have to develop the habits, the life changes that will last.  I hope it will eventually speed up, but even if it doesn't, I guess that's ok.

Feeling Capable

This weekend has been really good.  Really good.  Emotionally, things with my family were so nice.  I love it when Jordan comes home, and we don't have to worry about him going to work.  And because we had 8am church, we basically had all day Sunday to spend together.  *heaven*

Of course, whenever I'm getting my emotional needs met, I tend to eat better.  It's definitely easier to stay within my points when I'm getting my emotional fill.

Can I take a moment and talk about how much I love weight watchers?  I love the principles taught by this program.  This weekend, I branched out and I made some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies on Saturday, and a delicious sweet and sour chicken on Sunday.  These meals are NOT low points, by any means.  But because I was able to not binge and I planned ahead, I ate these foods and still saw results.  I really can eat anything I want as long as I leave points for them. I just can't eat them in the quantities I want (haha...).

I love feeling like this is something I can do.  So often I start a diet, and I know from the beginning I was just going to mess it all up.  But this weekend, I made delicious food, and I didn't binge.  What a great feeling.

Breastfeeding and Losing Weight

So, a brief update: after two days of being PERFECT with my points, the scale finally went down!  Yay!  Not by a ton, but hey, it's moving in the right direction.  I'm feeling like this is something I really can do.

I wanted to write about one of the hurdles I'm facing: Breastfeeding.  I have a beautiful 3 month old baby I am currently exclusively breastfed:

Cute, right?

Now, there's lots of things people say about breastfeeding and losing weight.  The most common thing is that it's GREAT because it burns calories, so you can eat more and still lose weight!  Yay!  (Interesting side note: it actually takes more calories to make breastmilk than it does to be pregnant.  You need 300 extra calories for pregnancy, 500 for breastfeeding).

Here's the big downside: the hunger.  So, so hungry.  When I'm pregnant, I have no appetite.  When I'm nursing, I could eat an entire batch of cookies plus some ice cream to wash it down with.  The other problem is that some women don't lose weight while nursing, but rather their bodies hold on to as much fat as possible, because nursing is so demanding.  I have wondered if I'm in this latter group, but I've never got much past the hunger part to find out (meaning I can't stop eating long enough to actually try to lose weight.  Ha).

The other problem I struggled with when Lucy was younger was that if you cut out too many calories, your milk supply will drop.  This has made me extremely paranoid, even though I suspect that it's not as big of an issue now that my milk supply is well established.

The point is, breastfeeding doesn't make losing weight as cut and dry as some people say.  The increased appetite and the concern about milk supply are two things that can sabotage my efforts.

Feeling discouraged

Yesterday, I did great!  I followed my points, I didn't eat after 7pm, and most importantly there were no brownies!  Yay!  But I didn't notice a difference at all on the scale today.  I'm really trying not to let it get me down, but when you've been trying the last week, and the scale keeps going UP, it's hard not to feel really let down.  There are a lot of reasons the scale could be going up, including:

1. It takes my body a while to figure out what's going on.  Sometimes it takes three weeks of good habits before I see any changes.  It's really annoying, and totally not fair, but that's the reality and I need to face it.

2. I've been doing 30 Day Shred the last 4 days, which includes a lot of strength training, which builds muscle.  I know I"ve been getting stronger, so maybe instead of losing fat, I've been gaining muscle.  Perhaps the fat loss is coming, and for now I need to accept that in the process I'm still building my fitness.

side note to #2: I have often wondered in the past when I'm working out and it's not making a difference if it's because I focused on cardio, and not strength training, and thus my metabolism wasn't getting better.  If I keep up with the 30 day shred, as I gain stregnth, my metablism SHOULD increase, and I should start losing weight.

3. I"m weighing myself too often.  Actually, I'm sure this is a problem.  But here's the deal, when I don't weight myself so often, I get lazy.  Having to answer to the scale everyday is a movtivator for me, at least at this point.  When my healthy choices start becoming more of a habit, I'll start checking my weight weekly and not daily, and those daily fluctuations hopefully won't be such a big deal.

I know I can't expect magic results after one day of being perfect.  This takes consistency and dedication.

Some Successes

Last night was another rough one, and I found myself with the brownies again.  But as I lay in bed totally regretting that last hour of the day, I decided if this really is a REAL thing, a thing to change my life, I need to acknowledge some of things I have been doing well.  I'm trying to change my habits not only so I can lose weight, but so that I can be healthy and have a healthy family.  So, here are some of my successes from the last few days:

1. Just finished Day 4 of the 30 Day Shred!  It's a tough work out, but I like feeling like I"m using my body and I can already tell that I"m getting stronger.  Here's to 26 more...

2. Another difficult time of day for me (besides the evenings) is the afternoon when the kids are napping.  I have been going on three days strait of no high fat/high sugar snacks during that time.

3. Even with the brownies, I have tracked every.single.piece.of.food.  This is a big deal.  I'm tend to not write things down that I regret, and sorta explain it to myself.  I have been great the last few days, and I hope to keep it up.

4. I sent the rest of the brownies to work with Jordan.  SO THERE.

Anyway, finding success.  Yay.

Food addiction?

So that post from yesterday, talking about how I crave sweets at night after the kids go to bed?  Oh yeah, that happened.  I did great all day.  I hate healthy food, I stayed in my points, and I ate fruit and veggies when I was hungry.  And then Jordan had to work late, and Lucy was up 5 gazillion times to eat because (I think) she had a sore throat, and you better believe the thoughts "But I totally deserve this" went through my head.  And I caved.  And here's the other thing: as I was putting Clara to bed, the thought of NOT having a brownie made me... shaky?  I felt like how I imagine a drug addict who is detoxing would feel. I just NEEDED to get my sweet fix.  I am seriously emotionally addicted to sweets!  It really almost like I can't relax without it.

Now, what to do about it?  My first inclination is to say, "No food after 7pm."  I think this is a great rule, and I've used it successfully in the past.  The only draw back is that because I'm breastfeeding, it makes me absolutely FAMISHED in the morning.  I'm talking hunger-is-waking-me-up-from-a-deep-sleep kind of hungry.  But I'd rather be starving in the morning because I"m more likely to make good choices then, so I think that's a risk I'm willing to take.

But I need to replace that with something, and something active where I'm using my hands.  So watching my favorite show or reading are out (my two favorite activities) because I like to munch while doing them.  I need to do a craft, or clean, or maybe walk on our new treadmill.  I think tonight I"ll try watching some 30 rock on my phone while walking on my treadmill.  I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Back to this

Since I last wrote (and let's be honest, I never really got going with this blog, period) I lost 20 pounds, got pregnant, had a baby, and now I"m somewhere between my highest weight and that twenty pounds I lost, hanging around 239.  I'm about 14 weeks post-partum, and I'm ready to start exercising again.  I've been doing weight watchers kinda casually, but now with the new year, I'm ready to hit the ground running and be serious about, meaning counting every single point I eat (not easy!).

But really, I want to write to get down what I'm experiencing emotionally as I go through this process.  Back when I worked with a nutritionist and lost the 20 pounds, she said this to me, "When people deal with stress, many turn to alcohol, cocaine, cutting and stuff like that.  You turn to food, which, frankly, is the least destructive of all the habits, so be kind to yourself."  That has really stuck with me, because it's true.  I use food to self-medicate.  But I shouldn't be too hard on myself, because we ALL do things to self-medicate, to deal with the stress.  This statement also shows what needs to be done: I need to find away to refocus my stress into something else, something more productive.

I read this great blog this morning that highlights it for me: http://thestir.cafemom.com/healthy_living/148844/treating_parenting_stress_with_junk

So my emotional goal is to find something else that can help me unwind like a delicious cookie at the end of the day can.

Maybe playing the piano for a bit?  Love my new piano!
Maybe doing some chores?  I love the feeling of a clean house!
Maybe some digital scrapbooking?  I love finishing a page and knowing it looks good.

I'll have to keep thinking of ideas.  Maybe the best way, for now, is to replace the sugary food with some fruit.