Perfect Bingeing Storm

So.  Jordan's "out of town."  But not really.  Every year he has this health care forum he goes to with the entire health care department of his company.  People from around the world come to these forums.  As it happens, I've been out of town every year since he go this job.  This year, I'm here.  And he's actually "gone," but really he's about 10 minutes away staying at a resort.  Say what?  I know.

So even though he lives here in Phoenix, he has this hotel room and he has to stay at the resort (again, in Phoenix) during the forum.  I find it extremely annoying.  I mean, it's right there, why can't he just stay at home and go to the forum in the morning like a regular job? But he can't (don't ask me why, no one's bothered to fill me in on that part).  So I'm at the house by myself for the next two days, while my husband is practically down the road.  (Good news: I do have the car, so it's not like I'm stranded here).

When I was dropping him off tonight, I was feeling a flurry of painful emotions.  I (like most married people, I assume) do not like being away from my spouse.  It honestly, truly feels like I'm missing an appendage.  I didn't realize how much I relied on the fact that he does indeed come home at night.  Even if he has to come home at 1am, and then leave again at 7am, at least he's home at some point.  Well, he's not coming home tonight, or for the following two nights.  And here I am, dropping him off in the car, honestly about in tears because I already miss him.  And I feel like a complete idiot because #1- he's not even gone that long and #2- he's not really gone, he's down the street. 

This isn't the first time he's had to spend a night away (and I've often left him for weeks at a time), and I'm wondering why this feels so painful even though he's not really gone.  And the answer is that usually I make a night of it when he leaves.  I order some nice take-out, and I get some delicious food, and I totally enjoy a binge night.  Oh yeah, baby.  But guess what?  This time I can't binge.  And although I didn't consciously recognize it as I was dropping him off, I realized that when I got home that there's nothing there for me.  What would be there for me?  Food.  My wonderful friend food who always gives me a tasty treat when I'm feeling lonely, sad and insecure.

By not having the food there, it's forcing me to face all these painful emotions without an antidote.  I'll be honest, my initial reaction of not having food is to be resentful of Jordan *which is not helpful.*  This isn't Jordan's fault, because I know if he had a choice he'd choose to stay here with me.  My next reaction is to snap at my kids, which is also *not helpful.*  So how do I channel these crappy (and, let's be honest, totally pathetic) feelings?  No idea.  Probably some sad music and a good cry session.  And an early bedtime.

And tonight, I'm certain I'll be dreaming of a gallon of delicious, delicious ice cream.

*Note: if you found this whole blog about me bawling my eyes out over my husband who isn't gone that long and who isn't really even gone totally pathetic, you would be correct. Rolling your eyes and/or laughing are appropriate reactions.  Don't worry, I am duly embarrassed.